a couple days ago, i was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. he goes, 'Hey, can you help out my wife and family?' i said, 'Sure.' and i pushed him off the bridge.

i can't wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.

she says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'

i was reading about this new diet where you're not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least.

we can't all be heroes... like, if there was a fire, and I had three kids in there, I don't know which one i would save. you can't save them all; somebody's feelings are definitely going to be hurt. and what if you save the kid that started the fire? now you're living with an arsonist. That's nothing i want to be involved in.

i'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

a lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the mom-and-pop shops. but really wal-mart, they were a mom-and-pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.

the reason old men use viagra is not because they're impotent. It's because old women are so very ugly.

i played basketball for five years, and i was a benchwarmer all five years. if you were never a benchwarmer, i cannot express to you the humiliation of, every saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then they're just pants.

called somebody an 'Indian giver' recently. they were really offended so i had to take it back.