my other big obituary fear is, when i die, they'll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, 'he loved to laugh.' Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesn't tell you anything. everybody loves to laugh -- you're laughing! That's like saying, 'He hungered for food.'

'Laptops may lead to impotence.' yay. i'm buying my daughter's boyfriend an apple macbook first thing tomorrow morning.

you've got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? ... shouldn't they at least call it defibrillnow?

i don't know if you know this about me, but once a year, instead of giving one homeless guy a dollar, I step it up. I buy $50 bucks worth of malt liquor, hide it in the park.

i like new york. this is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. don't pee on that.'

i saw that linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'should have been more specific.'

we all can agree, no matter what color you are, every group of friends has that one stupid friend. look around you, you'll find one. If you can't find one, it's you.

our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. and he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. i've never bought drugs and not used them. Right? They're not condoms.

my girlfriend called me because one of our other friends is getting married. so, they told me i had to pitch in for a male stripper. i said, 'You out your damn mind. I ain't payin' for no naked-ass man.' i mean, you think about it -- women? we really don't have to pay to see that. I mean, really -- we spend most of our time trying not to see that.

when you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. and that is, who is the biggest? i'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. we all get in a bus and we go to disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.