in the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the dmv will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.

the person i want checking ids at the airport are bouncers 'cause they're the only ones who can spot a fake. so, if a terrorist rolled up, he'd be like, 'uh, here you go.' Bouncer be like, 'says you're born in June. What's your sign, bro?' 'uh, uh, i don't know, like, a Libra?' 'It's a gemini! get the hell out of here, dude! and too many dudes -- you brought too many dudes with you.'

i went to a six flags. there's this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees. I was like, 'what a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line.'

i don't have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, 'i would like these curtains, please.' And they were like, '$40.' And I was like, 'nope.' Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out I'd rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.

i think that vanna white got the best job ever. is that not the best job? if i were a woman, i would want that job so bad. like, that's her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. 'i turn letters, but only when they glow. i'm not stupid.'

a lot of people are wearing t-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. i wear a picture of my son 'cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. It's also a constant reminder to wear a condom.

i got pulled over by a bicycle cop in l.a. -- not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. and i'm in my car, and he gets out -- he's sweating, he's got these little shorts on. 'you know how fast you were going?' 'yeah, a lot faster than that bike.'

this was a really, really big year for me. i got to go home for thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

you know what the worst part about my drinking is? when i'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

the only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a speedo is seeing a guy in a speedo staring back at you.