i saw that linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'should have been more specific.'

i don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

my mom is very religious, and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case, i'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

i saw a sign on this door; it said, 'Exit Only.' so, i entered it and went up to the guy working there, and i was like, 'I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.'

my mother and my girlfriend are wearing the same perfume, which is weird because, all of a sudden, i'm attracted to my girlfriend.

this woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. and second of all, if i'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.

i said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'sorry, dude, i'm tired.' and i was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. that's why I'm here.'

my grandmother is older than the word 'supper.'

i was born in the bahamas -- nassau, bahamas. yeah, came to the united states when i was one because i needed work.

here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the '30s -- as long as you weren't still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

my girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so i can get a better girlfriend.

i took a dump in a toilet with no water. i had to tell my friends, 'Yeah, I dropped the kids off at the skate park.'

if you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

i don't care about the museum, I only care that people think I'm the kind of guy who goes to museums.

nothing good ever happens in a blackout. i've never woken up and been like, 'what is this pilates mat doing out?'

i used to live with five straight guys and -- ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'

i did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. my jokes were coming out in black and white.

i don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles -- they don't have one that says 'oops.'

i'd much rather have AIDS than a baby... They're not that different at all. they're both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they're constant reminders of the mistakes you've made and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them.

called somebody an 'Indian giver' recently. they were really offended so i had to take it back.

wouldn't it be great if our bodies were designed so that instead of bad things, good things could be transmitted through sex? Like skills. 'oh baby, i'm gonna do you 'til you can juggle.' 'oh my god, don't stop 'til i'm a carpenter, computer programming, air conditioner refrigeration, auto mechanic -- whatever the hell Sally Struthers says in that commercial.' 'How was your date last night? You get lucky?' 'I think my resume speaks for itself.'

i love alcohol, man. some people call alcohol a drug, too. some people say that, 'Alcohol's a drug.' Not me, I call it a vitamin. 'cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.

you ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'ah, it looks like i'm not watching TV.'

i joined a white church because white people get out on time.

i've got a three-year-old son. It's like living with a crazy midget.

i guarantee, you're gonna have to get out of your house. I know it's your house and you bought it, but what you don't realize is that's her house, and she's basically letting you live there while things are going OK.

have you ever been to an aa meeting? no wonder these people are alcoholics -- i've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

one time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. you know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? when the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. that's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

the only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a speedo is seeing a guy in a speedo staring back at you.

i told maggie i wanted to go to a strip club. she said this to me, she goes, 'What do you want to go to a strip club for? I'll strip for you.' I was like, 'how great is that? i guess i'll just tell my friends to come over here.'

when you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, you'd got out of the way.

you've got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? ... shouldn't they at least call it defibrillnow?

why would they know the end of the world? they didn't have any pants. Did you know that? They didn't have the invention of pants. you think you can crack the secrets of the universe but not the secret of pockets? they just made a lot of calendars and they never said it's the end of the world -- goofy white people made that up.

divorce sucks. let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

i have a question. do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

we had our first two years ago -- on new year's Eve. That's a rockin' birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year's plans i might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish.

male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'hey, natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

they always say that albert einstein was a genius. then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'you don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' i don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

i was walking back through this mall in january; there was a girl in front of victoria's Secret who stopped me. She was like, 'hey, how's it going?' i was like, 'Good, how are you?' she goes, 'Well, I'm curious, are you shopping for a wife or girlfriend today?' I was like, 'no, why?' She goes, 'well, we're having this after-Christmas sale, and all our bras are 50% off.' and i go, 'I like when your bras are 100% off.'

christmas always sucked when i was a kid because i believed in santa claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

i generally grow this beard out around christmas. then, i like to go to malls dressed as jesus, and what i do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a santa at the mall, i'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

i tried to go christmas shopping last year, but i didn't have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.

christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. every year, christmas gets longer and longer and longer. and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! how long does it take you people to shop? it's beyond belief. It's insane. when i was a kid, halloween was halloween, and santa wasn't poking his ass into it!

people that put up christmas decorations, all they're saying is 'hey, we're not Jews.'

i went to my father. i said, 'Daddy will you buy me some roller skates for Christmas?' 'Buy? I'll make you some damn roller skates.' Christmas morning, I wake up to some homemade roller skates made out of platform shoes. Cheap ass didn't even get real skate wheels, just took some gold wheels off an old couch.

i set a personal record on christmas. i got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. i had all the presents back at my apartment, i was halfway through wrapping them, and i realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' the paper i used said, 'Happy Birthday.' i didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'jesus' on it.

my grandmother, she passed away at christmas time. so now, i have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. what didn't I get to open this year?

you know what my uncle gets me every year for christmas? scratch tickets. thanks for making the decision to gamble away my christmas gift for me.

this past christmas, i told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. beginning and end of list: xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox.

i don't drink, and I don't do drugs, but i'll take a pill. I'll take any pill, you know what I mean? 'Cause pills can't hurt me! 'Cause they're made by companies.

she says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'

if you're drinking champagne at 8 a.m. you're an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice it's just an early brunch.

you know what the worst part about my drinking is? when i'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

when a woman has an orgasm, it's like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. It's awesome. even other women are like, 'Aw, she's having a nice time; that's cool.' when a guy has an orgasm, it's like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, you're going to be jerry lewis getting electrocuted.

i'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich. i'm not rich, but I'm far from broke. i'm what you call a 'thousandaire.'

you know you're getting fat when you go to unbutton the top of your pants -- and you already did it.

there are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on.

you know what they said in california? i saw it on c-span -- people we vote for -- this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'um, who's gonna build it?'

am i the only person who blames global warming entirely on the amish? are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? every time i want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, i just look at the amish and i'm like, 'f**k that.'

you can always tell who was raised in new york by how they take a compliment when they're an adult. 'nice haircut.' 'screw you. what's wrong with it?'

i'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' club. have you done that? yeah, good times. i'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. urinals were taken so i went in to use the regular john. and as i'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

i shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.

i read somewhere that men's biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women's biggest fear is that men will kill them. kind of different stakes that we're working with. But that's why i don't make jokes during sex -- 'cause i think of stuff that i think would be funny all the time. but i just don't say it 'cause i don't want to be killed.

ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know they're counting co-workers.

it's really great to be in New York right now. This is a terrific city. But it does not hold a candle to Amsterdam. I went to Amsterdam last year... I was like Templeton the Rat in 'charlotte's Web,' just running around, 'Oh, hookers and pot!'

my other big obituary fear is, when i die, they'll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, 'he loved to laugh.' Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesn't tell you anything. everybody loves to laugh -- you're laughing! That's like saying, 'He hungered for food.'

most of the people who are racist to me are white, and it's very tricky to try and be racist to white people. What am I going to be, like, 'oh, i'm Kumar? Well, you're the lead in most movies that come out.'

the biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. i love this girl. i know i love her because she told me.

i'm on Vicodin right now 'cause i got my wisdom teeth pulled -- like, eight months ago.

a lot of people are wearing t-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. i wear a picture of my son 'cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. It's also a constant reminder to wear a condom.

i have had vegan thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. and it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?

this was a really, really big year for me. i got to go home for thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

i love to eat. that's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, i didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from thanksgiving dinner feeling like i've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

got married again and i went on the internet to see how happy everyone was for me. f**king hell, it was awful. one woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' and i'm like, 'how do they know us?'

why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. and then i realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'

her friends are a**holes. they always try to belittle me because they all have phd's and I didn't finish college. like, one night, we're all out getting dinner, and this one guy's like, 'So, Chad, have you ever had Indian food?' i was like, 'Hello? Thanksgiving.'

i'm half-Mexican -- get used to it 'cause in about five to 10 years, you're all gonna be related to one. Whether you like it or not, no matter how much you prepared your family, you're gonna show up at thanksgiving one of these years, you're gonna walk in and say, 'hey! what's happening? Since when did we start serving flan?' well, what's happening is that somebody's boning a latino.

Jeff: How do you not know who his mother is?

Achmed: I had 46 wives, you idiot. They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.

Jeff: How'd you tell them apart?

Achmed: The numbers on their backs.

Jeff: That's terrible.

Achmed: I know. Mother's Day is a bitch and so were most of the mothers.

when you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. it's like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant -- just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, 'what are you doing?' 'someone called him the n-word.'

i don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles -- they don't have one that says 'oops.'

i saw liposuction. you ever see how they do that? it's, like, violent. They get the hose -- it looks like they're mad at how fat you are.

i've never understood the concept of the gift certificate because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.

'Laptops may lead to impotence.' yay. i'm buying my daughter's boyfriend an apple macbook first thing tomorrow morning.

i went to a drug dealer's funeral. He was so big-time, his beeper was still going off.

my dad discovered the internet. uh, just because someone raised you, does not mean that you have to add them on facebook.

life is a little easier for attractive people. think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, 'oh, they're nice,' but if a stranger's ugly, you're like, 'What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.'

i've been spending a lot of time in casinos because, apparently, I have a gambling problem. But I have learned something important to pass on to you about how to deal with casinos when you're there. go get $100 in quarters when you arrive. then, go to your room, lock the door; go to the bathroom and lock the door. then, take the quarters and flush them one by one by one. and the nice thing about that is so often the toilet will back up and you will feel like a winner.

when i meet a girl, i ask her to pose nude for a painting i'm doing because that's a very good way to get her to sleep with me.

a whale is killing people in seaworld. that's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'killer whale kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? if you go to brooklyn and see somebody named killer mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.

so they ask me, 'Would you like to answer your secret security password question?' i think, 'Oh yeah, surely I can answer a question posed by slightly younger me.'

i can't wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.

i got a trophy wife. i know that's not right to say, 'cause if you're married that's your trophy. i'm just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.

you get into a lot of fights growing up with a lazy eye, 'cause no matter how I look at you it's the wrong way.

nobody talks about sex in scotland. scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'

i have two rules when you come to my house on halloween. wear a costume -- 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. my other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? she may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. you know what my girl do? when she get mad, she start talking in the third person. that's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.

the worst thing about halloween is, of course, candy corn. candy corn is the only candy in the history of america that's never been advertised. And there's a reason -- all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

halloween not only stays fun, but gets funner -- if that's a word. Like, Halloween when you're a kid, you dress up in a costume: free candy. you grow up, dress up in a costume: drunk as balls. it's awesome

halloween is pay day, folks. a lot of parents are strange; they say, 'Ration the candy.' i say, 'Let them eat as much as they want -- they throw up, the rest is mine.' that's how I handle Halloween.

i say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' he goes, 'I'm going to be frankenstein.' And I say, 'ok.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... i say, 'What are you supposed to be?' he goes, 'I'm frankenstein!' I said, 'no, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. go upstairs and change.'

we couldn't afford no Halloween costumes -- eight kids, please! Mama sent us down to the liquor store, put boxes on us. We didn't know what we were -- 'I don't know what we are. i don't know. She didn't tell us. i think we ups? i don't know.'

there's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. it's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? anybody here bought a mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? they're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. you know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. i feel like i'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.

halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. i noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.

i do not understand why people write letters to magazines. it accomplishes nothing; it's pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: 'ah, there it is. just as i always dreamed.'

i got pulled over by a bicycle cop in l.a. -- not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. and i'm in my car, and he gets out -- he's sweating, he's got these little shorts on. 'you know how fast you were going?' 'yeah, a lot faster than that bike.'

i love my children as much as anybody in here. i let them watch tv and stuff -- when i let them out of the shed.

you know what my drink is? jack daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? because on jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

i have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex. because, number one, what if i know the guy?

having a gun, let's face it guys, is a lot like having a penis, I think. You got to keep it concealed. And if you wave it in a woman's face, chances are she'll call the cops.

i'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

the best relationship i ever had -- i used to go out with a homeless girl. yeah, it was great 'cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere.

i'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

i got off the plane -- i was walking and cooking at the same time.

i was actually thinking about buying a convertible... but then i thought, what if i was at a stoplight -- how would i avoid the homeless guy?

i was in new york last christmas, it's snowing, there's a guy in a t-shirt. i'm like, 'dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from new york, i don't get cold.' just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. you're not a penguin. I was like, 'in fact sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'

they have a section called, 'New Baby.' i don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'

i wish i was ethnic; i'm nothing. 'cause if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'he's got a Latin temper.' but if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'that guy's a jerk.'

i can't seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and they're like, 'In your dreams.' i'm like, 'no. not even there.'

i'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

i want a girl that reminds me of my report card: her face has to be an a, she has to have double dds, 'cause tonight I want to F.

when you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. and that is, who is the biggest? i'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. we all get in a bus and we go to disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

my girl wants to change the engagement rules. she tells me, 'Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't got to wear nothing?' i told her, 'Babe, I wear my sad face every day.'

i joined a gym recently. i don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. i figure one of two things is gonna happen: either i'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.

we all can agree, no matter what color you are, every group of friends has that one stupid friend. look around you, you'll find one. If you can't find one, it's you.

there's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.

they go, 'Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, don't you?' Yeah, I learned that I'm replaceable.

you ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?

Jeff: How do you not know who his mother is?

Achmed: I had 46 wives, you idiot. They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.

Jeff: How'd you tell them apart?

Achmed: The numbers on their backs.

Jeff: That's terrible.

Achmed: I know. Mother's Day is a bitch and so were most of the mothers.

i don't have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, 'i would like these curtains, please.' And they were like, '$40.' And I was like, 'nope.' Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out I'd rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.

walter: i married a petite, young beautiful thing. she was eventually eaten by the woman i live with now.

jeff dunham: i like aquaman. he can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
Melvin: Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as Spongebob.
Jeff Dunham: How about the Hulk?
Melvin: Why do you like the Hulk?
Jeff Dunham: Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Melvin: Yeah, like every white-trash guy on Cops.

walter: my wife and i heard that coffee is good for your sex life.
Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate!

jeff dunham: did you get the tattoo?
Walter: Hell no.
Jeff Dunham: Well if you had, what would you have gotten?
Walter: I would have gotten a beautiful woman's face.
Jeff Dunham: Ah, and where would you have put it?
Walter: On my wife's face.

jeff dunham: well if reincarnation happens, who would you come back as and what would you do?
Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.

walter: i ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: 'alright buddy, pull it over. ching-ching-ching'? What do they do when they arrest somebody? 'alright, get in the basket'.

jeff dunham: walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.

i can't stand homeless people. I don't feel bad about saying it. i don't mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks? a lot of people do think you're supposed to play dead, which is not what you're supposed to do. and the best thing about playing dead is -- that's like a rumor that bears spread.

i have a new idea for a game show for people who are high, and it's called 'can you remember what you just saw?' That's actually the bonus round. round one is can you describe what's in Front of You Right Now? 'ok, you got it? we're going to take it away. What was it? We will not accept "awesome."'

i was reading about this new diet where you're not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least.

i played basketball for five years, and i was a benchwarmer all five years. if you were never a benchwarmer, i cannot express to you the humiliation of, every saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then they're just pants.

i don't know if you know this about me, but once a year, instead of giving one homeless guy a dollar, I step it up. I buy $50 bucks worth of malt liquor, hide it in the park.

our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. and he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. i've never bought drugs and not used them. Right? They're not condoms.

she proposed to me. how weird is that? it wasn't thoughtful. It wasn't romantic. she just came in and said it: 'Listen, uh -- I'm pregnant.'

when i moved out to la they told me i had to work out. i was like, 'I don't wanna do that.' They gave me this trainer, and the dude was like... 'the most important thing is, you can't eat late at night or you'll get fat.' And I'm like, 'Forget that, you supposed to eat late at night.' he was like, 'No you not.' i'm like, 'well, why they put a light in the refrigerator?'

i only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. and it's gotten to the point where I think they'd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. i'm like, 'alright, but really, where's the loyalty, man? I've known you for 25 years. how long have you known your baby -- like a month? alright, judas, whatever.'

follow this sentence: children who can't pay attention are considered to have a disorder. Children who can't pay attention? 'I don't know, he just won't focus.' he could be seven. that could be the issue.

you know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'just because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.

a lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the mom-and-pop shops. but really wal-mart, they were a mom-and-pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.

my last girlfriend used to call my penis what i thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. she was calling it a 'weapon of mass destruction.' sounded cool, but then i found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find.

it's kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybody's like, 'Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it.' it's just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that it's kind of redundant. i don't go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. 'you like coldplay? for how long? forever?'

what i love about cosmo is it is this magazine that is pretending to be your best friend. but cosmo hates you so much; cosmo just wants to undermine you, and make you insecure. like, two real stories from the cover of cosmo recently, one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60 seconds. i'm just like, when would I ever need to do that? When would I ever be in that kind of a rush? Am I at a tollbooth?

i bought a plunger the other day. you ever bought a plunger? it's an embarrassing purchase. At first, you think it's no big deal. stand in the line, swinging it. and then you realize everybody knows; you got a situation at home. nobody buys a plunger on a whim.

i had a problem because i was blacking out all the time. and i went and i talked to my doctor, and he said, 'It's not that you drink too much, it's just that after a couple of major blackouts, you blackout easier and easier after that.' so, i would just have a couple of drinks, and my brain would be like, 'OK, I see where this is headed. We're just going to power down now and get restarted sometime tomorrow morning.'

i used to work in an office, and when i worked in an office, i celebrated all the holidays -- cesar chavez day, labor day -- just to get a day off of work. it could be kkk day -- 'Do I get a day off of work?'

one time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. you know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? when the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. that's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

i said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'sorry, dude, i'm tired.' and i was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. that's why I'm here.'

i think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, sh*t. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

my uncle comes up, taps me on the back. he's like, 'kevin, i just want to let you know whoever did this is going to die tonight.'...I said, 'cancer did it. it was cancer.' He said, 'well, you tell cancer i'm looking for him, and when I find him, I'm going to shoot him in the face -- twice.'

i think the government made facebook in an attempt to make privacy uncool. think about that. i think that's true 'cause they don't have to tap our phones or survey us when we just yield to them everything, just on our own free will. Home address? It's a little weird, ok. phone number? call me. photos? photos of everyone i know? here, let me tag those for you.

if i get to heaven and god is white, i'd be like, 'i knew it all along. show me to the hood.' But if I get to Heaven and God is black, that's going to piss me off a little bit. i'd be like, 'ain't this a bitch? You've been black all along? ain't you been seeing what the hell's going on down there?'

ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? she may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. you know what my girl do? when she get mad, she start talking in the third person. that's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.

you know who uncle sam is, he's that goat-faced dude who dresses like Apollo Creed. He's always pointing at you. he wants you. is that really the imagery we should be listening to? an uncle who looks like he's about to touch you? 'uncle sam wants you to keep a secret.'

i asked her to record the game on espn, which she did, but not espn-hd. and then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' oh yeah, i pay extra money so i can watch tv like poor people. i don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.

my mother and my girlfriend are wearing the same perfume, which is weird because, all of a sudden, i'm attracted to my girlfriend.

thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... what was i talking about? i'm so hungry right now.

when i was a kid, a terrorist act -- that was like when someone would take a dump in the swimming pool at the ymca during summer camp. that was a terrorist act. that was the most evil thing you could do.

i see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. i appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.'

i don't care about the museum, I only care that people think I'm the kind of guy who goes to museums.

my dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. and he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. nothing worked. so finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in -- and we put him in a home.

i really hate the way i found out about my parents' divorce. What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me down, she said, 'michael, i'm leaving your father, I'm going off to marry another man, and i'm pregnant.' and that was really messed up, 'cause that should have been three different trips to get ice cream.

ever been at your job and you get so bored and sick of doing it that you just go to the bathroom to hang out? you don't even need to go. You just want a change of scenery for a little bit.

we can't all be heroes... like, if there was a fire, and I had three kids in there, I don't know which one i would save. you can't save them all; somebody's feelings are definitely going to be hurt. and what if you save the kid that started the fire? now you're living with an arsonist. That's nothing i want to be involved in.

here's my only thing with 'harry potter...' They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? They're getting tested on care of magical creatures -- never heard of the holocaust.

i've almost bought my own clothes back from a thrift store. Have you done that one yet? You know, like, 'oh, this shirt's great, it reminds me of something I used to -- oh, damn it.'

i was reading this article the other day, and it said, 'The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash.' let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. it's also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser.

here's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

what you find is that most jewish camps have indian names, and i think i understand why. first of all, camp nagiwa or camp apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than camp jewy jew, right? that's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.

a couple days ago, i was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. he goes, 'Hey, can you help out my wife and family?' i said, 'Sure.' and i pushed him off the bridge.

from the roast of david hasselhoff: you quit that cushy gig as a judge on 'America's got talent.' What's wrong with you, man? that was the worst career move since mel gibson bought his girlfriend that tape recorder.

guys have said to me, 'You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are.' and then they're just like, 'enjoy.' And I'm like, 'That is not nice.' that is like, at best, that's like a backhanded compliment. And at worst, that's just like a forehanded insult because i know that what that sentence really means is, 'Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, it's easier for me to f**k you.'

there were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. 'Unprovoked' -- do we need that word in there? are there people provoking shark attacks? is there some dick from jersey in the water: 'Hey shark, you freakin' lookin' at me? You got a problem or somethin'? i got somethin' for you to bite right here!'

i'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching the discovery channel. you know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. it just happens. you're flickin' around, all of a sudden -- boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

i think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'i'm dumb.' that's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'why did i get this?,' you can be like, 'oh, i'm dumb!'

one time i went to bed bath & beyond and i didn't have a coupon. People talked about me in line. 'he doesn't have a coupon. Is he all right? You don't think he's dangerous, do you?' one lady felt sorry for me. 'You don't have a coupon? do you know how to get home? is your name in your jacket?'

when you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. and that is, who is the biggest? i'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. we all get in a bus and we go to disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

it's incredibly easy to get. People go to those dispensaries, and they have a laundry list of ailments to give to those doctors that will just sign off on anything. You can pretty much go in there and go, 'um, i intermittently blink all day. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night, and i have to pee. and scary movies scare me.' You need pot, here, take it.

i think that vanna white got the best job ever. is that not the best job? if i were a woman, i would want that job so bad. like, that's her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. 'i turn letters, but only when they glow. i'm not stupid.'

the person i want checking ids at the airport are bouncers 'cause they're the only ones who can spot a fake. so, if a terrorist rolled up, he'd be like, 'uh, here you go.' Bouncer be like, 'says you're born in June. What's your sign, bro?' 'uh, uh, i don't know, like, a Libra?' 'It's a gemini! get the hell out of here, dude! and too many dudes -- you brought too many dudes with you.'

i don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

i realized that i have an irrational fear of rats. i did not know there was going to be so much wildlife in this city. one night i was walking home really late, i walked past this huge pile of garbage. and inside one particular trash bag was a whole lot of movement going on -- inside the bag, like real aggressive, but unidentified rustling. i was so frightened, my only thought was, 'Oh my god, I hope that's a baby. please be a toddler in that bag.' That's how much i hate rats; they make child endangerment comforting.

i had my dog in one of those kennel carrier things, you know those boxes... they made me take the dog out of the carrier, so they could inspect it for explosives. who bombs a f**king puppy? really, who does that? bin laden would be like, 'You're a dick, dude. i can't believe you -- that's too far.'

jeff: i had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? 'Was it good for you?' 'I don't remember'. 'It was three minutes ago!', 'Who are you?!?'.

the reason old men use viagra is not because they're impotent. It's because old women are so very ugly.

i was bad at doing drugs. i didn't do drugs properly. For instance, I'm the only guy who ever got really fat on cocaine.

in the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the dmv will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.

one of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. that's not an impediment, that's suspense.

i went to a six flags. there's this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees. I was like, 'what a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line.'

you can't deny the faith of these people that we fight: it's absolute. they believe that if they kill themselves, they'll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I haven't met one on earth.

here's how I feel about gay marriage. I don't understand why people care whether you marry a man or a woman. 'Cause if you've ever seen a couple over 65, it is very hard to tell who is who.